Significant Other

from by Thadra Sheridan

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lyrics

Dear Significant Other.....
I’m sorry.
Did I say that?
You’re probably
freaked out already;
clutching your balls and checkbook
for dear life,
closing the shades and
changing your phone number
until this whole thing blows over.
I should rephrase that.
I didn’t mean
“significant”
in the sense that I
wear your letter jacket and send
Christmas cards to your parents and
TATTOO YOUR NAME ON MY ASS
No
I just mean you are significant enough to
be this poem,
and although you’re really a
generalized concept that could apply to
any number of men in my past,
I have you
specifically
in mind, and
“Dear
fill in the blank with the appropriate
fling attention grabber flavor of the month latest thing
last man I slept with”
isn’t as poetic, so:
Dear Significant Other.....
You have completely occupied every
waking moment of every thought that flits
through my TORTURED BRAIN
since you left town, which
I knew would happen,
and if I hadn’t have been so
FUCKING DRUNK,
I never would have slept with you
on the first date!
And even though my cat is dying,
and my bathroom ceiling collapsed,
that just means I think of YOU
all the time
and maybe sometimes my dying cat.
Dear You....
Dear....Guy....
Dear Mr.....
STUFF:
How I love those
careless black ringlets that
cascade around your eyes.
GOD
If you only knew what a
weakness I have for hair exactly like that.
I love the pile of poetry books you
left as a parting gift, with
personalized inscriptions I already
picked apart into
CRYPTIC SECRET LOVE MESSAGES TO ME
You see...
I have this thing, this
problem,
where I’m emotionally incapable of
meaningless casual sex, because
four days later, you
haven’t left my brain for
ONE BLESSED MOMENT OF PEACE
And that’s really a disproportional amount of time to justify
one night’s activity,
and at thirty,
I have identified
five test signs in men
to foreshadow romantic doom;
all of which
YOU PASSED.
There is no glimmer of hope
I am aware of.
OH MY GOD,
You are making me end sentences with prepositions!
I have a dying cat,
A career that takes constant vigilance,
a crippling load of debt to be dealt with,
and I have checked my e-mail
seven times today, just in case you’d written.
And even though you gave me that
weird hug goodbye that
did not involve your shoulders,
I’m running scenarios through my mind
that you’re waiting the appropriate four days to
call and confess your adoration,
or you’ll show up at my door later,
because you haven’t stopped thinking about me for a second.
I’m not saying this is the
Greatest Love the World has Ever Known.
I’m not
picking out china patterns or
practicing my name as “Mrs. Significant.”
I’m simply grasping for any shred of evidence
to keep me from feeling so
CHEAP
and situational.
Extenuating chemical circumstances
aside,
my complete lack of faith in or expectations from
any member of the male species
BE DAMNED.
Significant, my dear,
I am a sad and lonely woman who
doesn’t trust, and rarely loves.
But you caught my attention so
hard and fast, I lost my mind
for one foolish night.
But even if I’d been
stone cold sober, I would have been
VERY, VERY TEMPTED,
because in several months of
poetry and flirtatious conversations,
I
had assembled the notion that
you
are intelligent, clever, romantic, fascinating,
and hilarious.
This might have really been something.
But I did it again;
Got all ahead of myself,
Gave you an advance at a low low price all
WRAPPED UP IN SHINY DEPARTMENT STORE PAPER
And now I’m
eating myself alive with this
neurotic compulsive frenzied ridiculous obsessive pathetic
regret.

credits

from Poems My Rat Didn't Eat, released June 23, 2014

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about

Thadra Sheridan Minneapolis, Minnesota

Writer, Performer, Humorist, Teacher Thadra Sheridan has performed her works on stages from HBO's Def Poetry Jam to San Quentin Penitentiary. She writes a regular column on opineseason.com, and tries very hard to avoid waiting tables. Her recent film, "Waiting" recently went viral when it was picked up by Upworthy. ... more

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